When we were dating, she’d often have migraines that curtailed or interrupted our plans. Her migraines were bad, requiring two or three visits to Urgent Care each week, and maybe even an Emergency Room visit. Vomit bags were a new accessory in my car. After some shots of meds, she’d get some relief and be able to sleep well enough to see what the next day would bring.
I never fully understood her anxiety problem until one night she called me from outside her apartment complex in a panic. “My car won’t start! I’m blocking other cars! I’m afraid someone is going to come out and get mad at me!” I lived 30 minutes away and hated that she was in such distress. But I finally understood the anxiety aspect of her mental health.
She had painted a picture in her mind of a possible negative outcome – Someone is going to get mad. But she had taken it further and anticipated that someone would physically assault her. To her, this was real – her fight or flight survival response had kicked in.
I tried to calm her. I told her that no one was going to harm her… in fact, they’d probably try to help her. My words had little effect, but allowed her to take a breath and say, “Well, can you just hurry and get here?” The incident ended well, but I’ll always remember that people with anxiety issues tend to anticipate negative outcomes and fixate on them.
Depression is a beast, especially clinical depression, which, as I understand it, is a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are helpful medications, but many have negative side-effects, or undesirable interactions with other medications.
I’m thankful that she has been very open with me about her depression. She let’s me know when it is getting bad – like, “She should not be left alone” bad. She has told me that some days, she just hopes she doesn’t wake up. She has told me about her suicide ideations.
As a caregiver you can often feel helpless. Your instincts are to “talk them out of their depression or anxiety.” But that is unrealistic and just frustrates them that “You don’t get it. And I’m glad you don’t get it. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I have also felt mad. It is annoying to have your plans curtailed due to mental health issues. At some points I didn’t even bother making plans, because I learned to avoid disappointment by doing so. She lived day to day. I began to live week to week, rarely making plans for anything beyond a week’s time.
We are married. She has mental health struggles. So that means that I do, too. What’s hers is mine. What’s mine is hers. I love her and am fine with being her caregiver. I help her remember her medications, encourage her to seek second opinions, to try new treatments, and to control what she can control. It has been a rollercoaster. There have been good weeks and bad weeks. There have been bad mornings that ended up as okay days. I’m her partner, so I’m along for the ride.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out to a mental health professional or crisis helpline immediately. There is help available, and you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
Emergency: Call 911
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Online Chat: suicidepreventionlifeline.org